To the day I bid my shadow farewell

I started this blog almost 4 years ago after I was told that maybe people want to listen to what I want to say. While that was the reason, it was also an excuse to rid my phone of the random musings and put them on the web for at least someone to see. But honestly, it was just an excuse. An excuse to deny everything that I thought I was going through because I was too weak. Too weak to admit that my misery is a cause of my own decisions and bad choices. I have tried blaming it on everything, right from destiny, to the Almighty who may or may not exist (turning agnostic now) even on those that loved me. Today, it ends. Today, my blog won't be a cry of a 16 year old, today my blog won't be for people who are going through things to feel like they're not alone, because they aren't. Today, my this post is for people going through stuff to know that it gets better, it always does and at the risk of sounding cheesy, if it's not better, it's not the end. 

This is for everyone who has even once in their life felt out of place even though at home. It's time to say goodbye to the weightless shadow clipping your wings. Before you dismiss this as something as another cry for help (which I wouldn't blame you for based on my blog posts), I want you to ask yourself, if there's even one person you know who might be going through things and if you don't know someone like that, I'm pretty sure it's you. There's a lot I can say to make people feel better like quotes, memes or even jokes but not a single one of them is permanent, trust me, I've tried. The only thing permanent, is the goodbye you bid to the part of you which never should've existed. 

I always found it funny as a child when I was told that whatever we do as kids, whatever habits we develop shape our personality. Nowhere was it said that it makes our identity too. A person who gives in once will always be the coward who ratted everyone out, a woman weak once will always be a slut, a man once quiet will always be termed depressed. So here it is, me bidding my shadow goodbye. Goodbye to the shadow which chained my wings, the shadow which sabotaged every ray of joy that could have been and all it every gave me was regret. But it did have its perks, for a small part at least, it showed me the value of solitude. It taught me to appreciate myself from the eyes that never see me, mine.

It's appalling how easy it is to make someone despise their very existence but it's near impossible to make them love themselves again. Simple 'jokes' that you make on people regarding the acne they can't help, the weight they're trying to lose or in my case, gain can do a lot more than make someone laugh. It can make a 13 year old stand in front of a mirror naked for hours crying and questioning why they were made with faults irrespective of their virtues. Mocking people is funny and healthy, shaming them for things they can't help isn't short of mental torture. 

So goodbye to the tags i've carried, to the pain I've now buried, the peace which for once doesn't seem hurried. There's no explanation or justification to why I let myself fall down that pit...Who am I kidding? I walked into it willingly and stayed there because the eyes I seeked approval from never really saw me. Back then, when it all started, there was nothing. There was no future, there was no past, there was just the 'then' which as I learned later, killed a lot of my 'nows'. I regret not enjoying the little things I could have, I regret having lost a childhood and having grown up much before time. But I was in a race with myself, for myself and ironically enough, against myself. So here it is, my final goodbye. I've always blamed circumstances for my anger issues, severe ones, might I add but not once did I even consider thinking that maybe, just maybe, I'm the cause. We make our own destiny it's said, we control our happiness they say, we fuel the fire of hate that others kindle inside us they never said. 

A goodbye to the quiet nights, the lonely hours in broad daylight, the thoughts of ending it all, the thoughts of blaming what I couldn't own up to. From now, there's me, my mistakes which I learn from and a future that I now aspire to build. They say "It's never too late to start" so while optimistically hoping it's true, I bid the misery and rage goodbye and begin a tomorrow, from today. 

I believe it's time its heard, I'm proud to be me. Scrawny, acne, not smart, but happy..